Demanding

This is the only demanding link on my favorites bar. And even here I can even come and look at my stats, as they are. Even facebook, with all of its potential for receiving output does not demand it like the blogger does.

But you know, the demand is only perceived, not real.

What if the demand was a celebration of opportunity? If I could see the end and rejoice in the outcome. If I could see the process and rejoice in the inflow of the Spirit that makes the writing possible.

Then I think about other bloggers, especially ones who have subscribers. Why are they writing? How much do they feel a demand that they think they can not satisfy? Who are they writing for?

All of this speaks into what I am doing here. The one thing I know is that all of this is prayer. It even usually transforms into a form of prayer by the end of the post. That is what puts a lie to the demand. I am coming here to meet with my Father. To sit and listen, and to speak sometimes. There is no demand in our sitting. He does not need anything from me. Everything I really need is completely satisfied in my entering, sitting, listening and speaking.

So the demand is a lie of my little broken soul. I will fail to succeed, it says. Pants on fire.

Father, so many lies and so many lie believers. So much truth and so many truth believers. Help us shine for you today. Help us reflect your truth.

Tarred

Only one reason. Pride. If I trusted God instead of myself I wouldn't be so wrapped up trying to hold my world together. This existence is hard to maintain with the strength of one person. Especially one broken person.

And then I am trying to rescue everyone else, at least emotionally, at the same time. I can not even take care of myself, and here I go determined to keep the whole frackin' world happy.

As a consequence I have become a good enough liar that I am really beginning to fool somebody. Only problem is that the somebody is me. To everyone else I am just as bad a liar as they are. Some of them even know it.

Father, I sure hope that all of this means I am close to some sort of turning point. Or at least to get wiped off so I don't feel so scummy for a while. At least none of this fools you...or puts you off your love for me. Stinky, I get to lean back and listen to the unwavering beat of your heart. What a marvel is your loving kindness. It continues to draw me to you and away from my mess.

Thank you. And of course Bill reminded us that there is going to be a mess where anything real is going on.

Control

If I can just keep control. How easy life would be. Except that the effort to even try to keep control makes life so very hard.

Does that mean that life can be infinitely easier by moving in the opposite direction?

So...let go and let God?

Trying to keep it together is not working. Time to let is come loose?

But if I say what I mean, people will get their feelings hurt. I am responsible for how others feel and particularly at fault if I do something to make them feel bad. So truth is too dangerous a thing to be flying around loose. NOT.

What would happen if I did not care if got angry with me? What would happen if I did not care if was disappointed with me? What would happen if I did not need to like me? What would happen if I did not need anything from ? What would happen if I was so Christlike that my only people need was to be in right relation to the Body of Christ, but I was only defined by my right relation to Christ?

I know this for sure, Father. I really, really want my stuff out of the way of the life that is meant to be, the life in the Kingdom now. Show me the lies that have me bound.

I love being a listener

I was faced with an unusual decision today, and wrestled with it on and off during the day. I was coming up to a point where I was going to have to decide, and needed counsel. So I asked my Heavenly Father what was in it for me if I decided to go to this meeting. Right away, He said, "People. I want to make you a rich man. Rich with people."

See, my rut included staying isolated. The lie said that I did not have much, and what I had people only wanted. The only thing that could happen by being around more people was losing even more of what I did not have enough of.

It is so fascinating how lies are about the true important things, but so much the opposite of the truth. The thing that keeps me poor is not having enough empty people around me to pour Gods love into. The more need there is, the more I can pour...and the more I get refilled with fresh Love. Sure, when all I had to offer was the fullness of my poor humanity, then it was true that I was going to run out when around needy people

The deal is that they are only 'needy' when I have nothing for them. When I am filled to the top, shaken together, pressed down and running over with what is for them anyway, then I never feel any lack when someone needs Love poured out on their lives.

So I am going tomorrow to collect my inheritence, people. Thank you, Father that you have plans for me, that I should prosper in Your Kingdom, and in the manner of Your Kingdom.