Tarred

Only one reason. Pride. If I trusted God instead of myself I wouldn't be so wrapped up trying to hold my world together. This existence is hard to maintain with the strength of one person. Especially one broken person.

And then I am trying to rescue everyone else, at least emotionally, at the same time. I can not even take care of myself, and here I go determined to keep the whole frackin' world happy.

As a consequence I have become a good enough liar that I am really beginning to fool somebody. Only problem is that the somebody is me. To everyone else I am just as bad a liar as they are. Some of them even know it.

Father, I sure hope that all of this means I am close to some sort of turning point. Or at least to get wiped off so I don't feel so scummy for a while. At least none of this fools you...or puts you off your love for me. Stinky, I get to lean back and listen to the unwavering beat of your heart. What a marvel is your loving kindness. It continues to draw me to you and away from my mess.

Thank you. And of course Bill reminded us that there is going to be a mess where anything real is going on.

Fall Back

It is so easy to switch to "human doing" from "human being." It is the default response. I am refusing today.

See, I should be able to fix my world, right? Wrong. What I can effect is the small stuff. The significant stuff I can not touch. That is really frustrating if my default is doing in response to recognizing a need.

I stepped out of my world this morning and went to a new place, and met some new people. And recognized an ache too big for me to touch. And now I ache for them. Which is what I was made for.

Now I get to crawl back up on my Fathers lap and tell him about what I saw, heard and felt. I am so grateful for my Fathers lap. Otherwise I would just ache, and have no place to go, no one to tell about them.

Their situation is no different than anyone else's. They need to find their way home to Dad, and to the rest that being home provides.

It hurts so bad to know that there is not enough of me, that I am not able to humanly demonstrate to them that there is rest. Pride is screaming because there is a need that I was built to recognize and not be able to do anything about. If I could effect it, it would not be worth effecting. This is the place to get to in learning to pray. Where the only thing I can do is admit my powerlessness and trust my Higher Power. To say, "Daddy, they hurt so much for lacking Your Rest. They scrabble and howl and reach in the rut. Please have mercy on them. Continue to show them your loving kindness. Continue to send your light into their darkness."

It is going to be so cool to see the whole picture. Thanks for making me part of it.

There was a man talking on the radio today. He said that he had persisted in walking away from God long enough to find joy. He was spreading his good news, the news that people walking away from God would find joy if they persisted long enough.

I have been trained to conclude that he only thinks that he has found joy. I think now that, if I spent time with him he would find that thing he calls joy, and I would understand it for something humans can have, that is not joy. Then I could unlove him and rejoice, in his face, about just how wrong he was, and just how sad his good news is.

How can he ever see the Joy of the Lord, if I am not abiding in it when he encounters me? How can he see the banquet that has been laid for him if I am not sitting at my place at the table, with my crippled feet hidden beneath, when he encounters me? It is our Father's loving kindness that will draw him. But how can he yearn for what he has no evidence of?

My King, thank you for your table. Thank you for purchasing my place at it for me. I am going to, with your help, live here.