Home, Loved, Changed

I think I need to visit Illinois more often, even if it is just via google chat.  There are people there who have something I need.  Love.  They have some for me.  In five days they did not run out.

You walk different when you know you are loved.  I know I have since the revelation of Father's love.  Now, again, with a fresh dose of family love.  One of the worst things about spiritual pride is thinking you have everything you need.  Father, forgive my pride.  It is particularly yucky today.

I had lunch out today.  Yes, Christmas day.  Even Golden Corral was closed.  But Hibachi Grill was not.  Not swamped at 1:30 on a Sunday, but busy enough.  I needed to be around people today.  Today I know more about why people get lonely around the holidays.  People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.  I heard that many years ago from a wise woman.  YuckYuck.

Father, help me find those who you have filled with something for me.  Help me find those who you have filled me with something for.  Teach me to touch them when I find them.  Break down the walls.  And thank you for the spirit of prophecy.

Have mercy on and deliver and heal the ubergruppenfeurher.

Tarred

Only one reason. Pride. If I trusted God instead of myself I wouldn't be so wrapped up trying to hold my world together. This existence is hard to maintain with the strength of one person. Especially one broken person.

And then I am trying to rescue everyone else, at least emotionally, at the same time. I can not even take care of myself, and here I go determined to keep the whole frackin' world happy.

As a consequence I have become a good enough liar that I am really beginning to fool somebody. Only problem is that the somebody is me. To everyone else I am just as bad a liar as they are. Some of them even know it.

Father, I sure hope that all of this means I am close to some sort of turning point. Or at least to get wiped off so I don't feel so scummy for a while. At least none of this fools you...or puts you off your love for me. Stinky, I get to lean back and listen to the unwavering beat of your heart. What a marvel is your loving kindness. It continues to draw me to you and away from my mess.

Thank you. And of course Bill reminded us that there is going to be a mess where anything real is going on.

Serenity

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

It is the only way I am going to make it through. For a minute there, I thought I was not going to need God. Fool that I am. I am so grateful that I do. I just hate to keep forgetting, and then go through the "opportunity" once again of remembering. I am grateful for the "opportunity" as well.

Fear has been upon me these last several days/weeks/months. How long have I been turning my gaze from my Beloved only to gaze upon my own pride.

I hope that fear is gone. I am perfectly loved. But then I forget. How can I forget that I am so loved. Maybe that is heaven. Not forgetting.

Father, forgive me this stupid pride. It hurts so badly to see how far I have wandered from my Home. I am doing my best. My best just isn't good enough.

My boy is asleep over there. I am so glad there is a God who loves us both. I feel so inadequate. I have always felt so, in the face of my needing to be a parent.

At the same time, I also feel so grateful. I have come to know that I am supposed to feel inadequate, in this regard and all others. I can not do it, if it is worth doing. It is just that simple. I need help with anything worth doing. Any help that is available that is not directly from God is at least obliquely from God. All of the help worth getting is from God, for all of the things worth doing.

The only time parenting, living, serving, loving, edifying, analyzing gets hard, impossible, is when I try to do it alone.

The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. Whatever part I have in it...if my boy is to bring glory and honor to the great king, I am helpless to do my part alone.

Father, thank you for the help so far. Please, do not remove your hand from me. Your hand will not leave unaddressed the wickedness of my life, and will also never leave me without cover. Thank you. I can rest forever in that one lone truth.

In a Box

It does not really matter how big the box is.

Keeping a box to hide in is the thing.

Describe the box to explain it away, to rational-lies the holding of it. "Well, it is only a ________ box, so it is not the kind you mean."

If the box separates the joints of the church, then God is opposed to it. Not me, just my box.

My box is made of pride. Other things to make it look different, "customized." But pride that says that I can construct a hiding place for my self that will be sufficient.

Then how come, pride, I feel, know, that my box is inadequate?

Because that is the work of the Spirit. Sure, I feel fear, but more, I feel naked.

This is primal stuff. I am not alone. Sure, this is my personal walk. It is just that everyone has one, too.

I guess everyone does not choose a box. What do they choose...when not choosing to trust Dad? As someone with a box habit, I will bet the alternatives look foolish to me.

Father, forgive my pride and habit of pride. I am not able to protect myself, and as long as I try, I can not give love. I want help getting out of the box. I want help abandoning the box and the box habit. I want to walk away from pride and the sin of self sufficiency. Most, I want not to go away from sin, but to walk habitually toward you and with you, leaning on you.

Please restore my fascination with you and my revulsion with pride.

Father, be glorified in your church.

What I am afraid of

Sometimes it takes me time to figure out what is going on. I have to look at what I am being tempted with to figure out what I am holding back from my Father. It is so easy to stay in the habits of pride. All I need is to turn to my Father with what concerns me, and he will perfect it. I can not do what will matter in the issues that I am assaulted with. I get a chance to be reminded of how small I am, and how great my Father is.

There really is a special spiritual thing about fathers and sons. And the key stories involve fathers trusting God with their sons. Father, I am tempted to worry about my son. So all the more, I surrender my Isaac to you. I trust your plan because I want to trust my plan. I need to trust you more than I need to trust my plan. All of my plans without you seemed so well reasoned until they broke under my weight and cut me. Who can compare leaning on the arm of God with leaning on the marsh reeds of Egypt. Have mercy on my son and his mother. Grant us the grace needed to bring to you the Glory that is yours. Restore my soul. I need you, Daddy.

How can so many be wrong?

Does it matter?

It just seems like there are more things to be concerned about than need be. He will perfect that which concerns me. If I have a concern, it can be turned into a prayer and from there into a matter of faith. Done.

I know that the moment any of it is a burden that can not be resolved in prayer, I have taken on the work of a god. As such, my pride is showing and I need to repent and move on.

Maybe this is just my perspective. I know I do not see things in the same way as everyone else. Does that make them wrong?

Daddy, thank you for the vision, the sight you have given me. Forgive my judging now. Especially where it gets in the way of hearing and discerning. I really want the whole learning and application.

So Easy So Hard So Simple So Complex

The only way to know if the moment to moment decisions are right and wise is the lovely fruit.
But some fruit comes quick and some fruit comes very slow. It seems as though the more precious the fruit, the longer it takes to ripen. Waiting for fruit to ripen takes spirit fruit.

Then Daddy says I should trust him enough to not wait for the fruit. He says waiting for the fruit to ripen is looking back when my hand is on the plow. I am going to be too noisy and miss directions. I am going to be proud and fail to submit. I am going to walk in old ruts and miss new paths of wisdom. I am going to bear withered and stunted fruit.

He says I am going to learn more by pressing in and pressing on than looking back to analyze the character of the fruit and figure out every good and less than good thing that went into producing it. The fruit is important, but the learning to consistently trust the anchor for direction and the desire for intimacy for driving forward power and speed is best.

Wow. Meat. Time to chew. Thanks, Daddy.

Strength in Surrender

My soul will never be strong enough to weather the storms. Thankfully, it does not need to be. My soul can shut up and rest on my spirit. My spirit is bound to His Spirit, and nothing is stronger. I am going to know what to say when. I am going to know when to be very still, and when to use my mouth to war for my corner of the Kingdom of God.

I think there is more time needed in stillness. Not sure? Well, I am going to try that as the first wise choice and see how it works. There is no pulling words back.

I want so to proudly prove my little orphan self is capable of self care. To do so, though, I have to act on my own. Father will not aid my defense of foolishness.

Father, thank you that you have clearly described and defined your self. Thank you that you have left no need for doubt. If I have doubt it is because I brought it to the party.

I'm Angry

and I do not want to be. Dad says to put away wrath. O.K.

Oh. I am tired. But does that just mean that the anger gets through? Maybe. And that means that the anger is there, just under. Not good. Not love. Especially if it wants to get all over somebody.

The stuff I am trying to do for my self is not working. (It is not able to.)

I am still addicted to my abilities. I am still proud of what I can do.

Daddy just waits. He is outside of time and can afford to let me find surrender again. God help me. I am afraid that I will give up on You and trust myself even when I know that I drop the ball every time. Be glorified in me. Father, be glorified in Your children.

Weary

There is a tiredness the comes from doing well. You get to the end of the task or season, pause, and realize that you have been investing at an extraordinary rate. You feel the cost, and at the same time you feel the triumph of having been on purpose, on task.

There is a tiredness that comes from doing. You get to the end of the task or season, pause, and realize that you have been investing out of fear and pride. You become aware that your muscles are aquiver with fatigue because you always had to keep them tensed in anticipation of an attack you knew you were too weak or slow to ward off. You examine your breathing and know that you have been taking little sips in fear that the next time you try, there won't be any air. Your eyes are dry because you have not dared close them in fear of what you are sure is coming.

Pride has told you that you can take care of your self. Or that your self can take care of you. You tried it, utterly failed, and met the fear that would own you. The flavor of everyones fear is different, but the fundamentals are the same. You are the subject of that fear until you get rescued. And you have already learned that you are not able to rescue your self.

Time to open your hands. Time to unclench your toes. Time to close your eyes and leave them closed. Time to unhitch your diaphragm, and let your breath flow in and out of you.

Time to be willing to be rescued. Time to ask for supernatural help. Time to live listening with all the spirit you have alive in you, and refusing to act on your own foolish counsel. Time to ask to be covered with Love and granted the restoring rest and restoration that is yours.

Thank you for your faithful promises, Father.

How Deep Does Satisfaction Go?

How many layers of itch are there? How many places does a soul have which crave satisfaction?

In my soul each one is connected to an unreleased hurt, an unforgiven slight stored away to fester and need attention. What does a satisfied soul look like? Can you imagine a person who does not need anything fixed? Can I imagine that for my self?

Why bother? Because there is a resting place for every one of those itchy places. It is like a challenge when Father dares me to trust Him with every tiniest little booboo. I am willing to let Him heal my soul in big splashy ways. Giving Him all of me to cleanse and restore requires surrendering every moment as it arises. I can not recognize all of the places all at one time. It is my walk, bumping into my world and its people that exposes each opportunity. So all day long I choose God or me, God or me, God or me, God or me. Who am I going to trust with this issue?

I am so grateful for the gift of Your Holy Spirit, Father. Thank you, Holy Spirit, for staying near to point out the places where I am listening to pride, who tells me "that one is too small for God. You can handle it yourself."

I think I said something in the last day or two about turning toward Love being the answer. I have written and talked about this in the past. It seems like when I do, I can feel THE JUDGE in there looking down his nose about something. I figgered it out.

I have pride. I think I have it all worked out, as to what is the perfect way. So, anybody else's way it less than perfect...that would mean defective.

So sad. Forgive me.

Just right now it feels good to be intentionally turning away from fear. I have circumstances that make it easy to fear. I get news every day that make the fear choice seem right. Then I get this doctrine that says to turn away from fear is imperfect. The perfect way is to turn TO Christ, rather than turning away from something. Well, phooey. I am turning away from fear, and thankful that at the same time I have the Most Lovely to rest my whole being on. But first (I am declaring now) I am turning away from fear.

Yup. Both ways work. I trust you, Daddy. Thank you so much.

Loud

It takes a deliberate effort to face Heaven, to look into the face of God. It has to be on purpose, intentional. Getting lost in Love is not an accident.

The process of making it possible was not an accident. Father sent Son on purpose. To make a way home for those who would go. But the radiance of Love just on the other side of an intentional turning is the anchor. I do not know why everyone is not skinny from forgetting to eat. There on the point of a turn is the answer to every question. There is the fountain of all that is good. There on a turn, a purposeful turning toward Light, and consequently turning away from dark.

Oh, how sweet is the face of Love, how perfect the YES in His eyes. He has and is what I need. I look, and can not explain what it was that I had turned to instead. Father, forgive me for my habit of pride.

Coffee

In America, for the last ten years or so, coffee is the Christian drug. It is the acceptable drug.

I was giving some thought to how I would describe myself. I was reading Jo's facebook info, and she went to some length, with carefully chosen words, to help her readers understand where she was coming from. I realized that I had not crafted the same high value description, and I was stirred to that kind of thought.

The next thing that came to the surface is that I would say that I am a recovering addict. (It just took me five tries to correctly spell recovering, only one for addict. Hmmm) And not coffee. I have not forsaken coffee. Every seed bearing tree, you know.

I am recovering from addiction to my self. I would not be recovering if I did not have this Holy Wild in which to wander, clinging to my King. Born, I said within moments, "I want." In response, I received. So I tried again, for something else for me. And I received. Later, when I expressed my desire and did not receive, I learned to satisfy myself. It is not all bad. It just defines our humanity, without God. A need or want is perceived. We do what we need to to get satisfaction.

And there is a great defining moment. Getting satisfaction. Being satisfied. So long as I need to get satisfaction, I am feeding my soul to balm the aching places. I am self medicating, self comforting, self sheltering, self embracing. Now being satisfied is the entire difference. Being satisfied means that I am transformed. Satisfied is who I am. My needs are met and the desires of my heart do not originate in my aching, broken soul.

The habits of self care run very deep. The old path is a rut worn so deep that there was no self rescue available. Rescue was available, but accepting it required at least a moment of forsaking my effort.

The habits of self care run very deep. I am recovering. Just like the twelve-steppers who will never say that they are recovered, I will agree. I fall into the rut every day. Sometimes I stay there, immediately finding my hands on their old worn out tools, sure for a while that I will be able to get satisfaction on my own. My shepherd stands there patiently, not even clearing His throat to remind me that I need Him.

Then I realize where I am and what I am trying to do...look up...and reach up.

Thank You, Lord. You are Faithful and True. You restore my soul. You make me satisfied.

Teachable is Important

Every misstep comes down to pride. At least for me. Like how it is easy to be teachable toward some, but not all people. I got humble enough yesterday to learn a lesson from someone I struggle with. Today the fruit of that learning was really sweet.

Pride is not only unacceptable, but it also does not work. At least for me. Humility, and its offspring teachable work much better. Now I can thank God for the lesson, and the humility...and I might even thank the teacher. That will be harder. And it also will likely bear more fruit.

One thing is very clear. When I am cuddling with pride, I find it hard to approach my Father. All of this stuff about good outcomes has to be secondary to adoration. Nothing wrong with good outcomes, but good is the enemy of perfect.

Father, I desire perfect intimacy with You. Forgive me for all of the times today that my eyes have turned to idols, that my heart has turned to idols.

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What a delight to talk to my boy. Family contact is not as distracting as non-family contact. Dad likes family, and He says that there is good when we look away from One Thing, when we look at family. He made family a picture of the Kingdom.

The draw of One Thing never lets up. It takes deliberate choice to turn from adoration. You'd think I was saying that I am there all of the time, but it is so far from true. I can imagine a time coming when I stay lost in there for days. I used to think that required circumstances, like going for a week or a month to Kansas City. Now I know that nothing is required beyond faith. I do not depend on intimacy, it just means I am putting my faith somewhere else. When I am not lost in Love, when I am looking up the path and guiding myself with my own eyes, rather than leaning out the arm of my beloved, gazing lost upon Him, and depending my movement on His, then I am a proud adulterer or idolater.

Father, you have helped me in my earth life so much today. You have given me victory over my enemies, and you shown me how to love and pray. I keep missing...and you keep on encouraging me. Thank you.