Mean Pinball

Listening to Pandora.

I am here to write. Joanne said to just write is a success secret.
In this context, to just pray is the success secret.

I do not need to say anything. I need to listen to the Spirit and say what I hear.

We need to be provoked by the Spirit to rest ever more completely upon the trustworthy King.
I know this is true for several reasons, but the important reason at the moment is that it is entirely counter-rational and entirely intuitive. Now that is not the same as finding something irrational to do and calling it a mission from God. But if it is a mission from God, it will not make sense to the rational mind.

The opposing force is the being-restored soul. Habits of thought, feeling and action make for easy decisions that require no stillness and listening and obeying and trusting. Just rut walking.

The deeper the work of restoration, the greater the need of Christlikeness in the moment, the greater the shaking. It can feel...like anything, as long as how it feels can oppose the truth.

This is a dangerous God, fundamentally opposed to my plans and habits.

Father have mercy on us. We are not able to walk in your way without mercy that we will never be able to deserve. Yet once we have put our hand to your plow, we must walk in your way. No Spots, No Wrinkles. My cry tonight. Not wealthy, Not witty, Not even wise. One Bride. One Spotless Bride.

Demanding

This is the only demanding link on my favorites bar. And even here I can even come and look at my stats, as they are. Even facebook, with all of its potential for receiving output does not demand it like the blogger does.

But you know, the demand is only perceived, not real.

What if the demand was a celebration of opportunity? If I could see the end and rejoice in the outcome. If I could see the process and rejoice in the inflow of the Spirit that makes the writing possible.

Then I think about other bloggers, especially ones who have subscribers. Why are they writing? How much do they feel a demand that they think they can not satisfy? Who are they writing for?

All of this speaks into what I am doing here. The one thing I know is that all of this is prayer. It even usually transforms into a form of prayer by the end of the post. That is what puts a lie to the demand. I am coming here to meet with my Father. To sit and listen, and to speak sometimes. There is no demand in our sitting. He does not need anything from me. Everything I really need is completely satisfied in my entering, sitting, listening and speaking.

So the demand is a lie of my little broken soul. I will fail to succeed, it says. Pants on fire.

Father, so many lies and so many lie believers. So much truth and so many truth believers. Help us shine for you today. Help us reflect your truth.

Someone To Talk To

I really needed somebody to talk to last night. I know that is what the church is for. I was not with the church. I was on the road. But that did not change the fact that I really needed someone other than me to talk to. Everything me had to say was making it worse.

Spirit God. Just there waiting for me to remember.

I suppose that is the reason people are always on their mobiles. They find their life in community. I have always wondered how anyone could have so much to talk about. Widget on the ear, always talking. Maybe as a result, it never occurred to me to call someone. The only person I call is my son. Most folks at work are part of my tribe, good to talk with, but rarely beyond News, Sports, Weather.

And it is so rare that I come to a place where I have to admit that I need help.

Spirit God. Just there waiting for me to remember.

Father, I am so grateful that Holy Spirit is real and here for me. And for the whole church. But last night, for me. I am sorry that I forget. I know that you understand me, even when I don't. Patience is your name.

I want more. I don't want just to run to you. I want to function from your presence. Thank you for understanding. Please keep me. Do not let me fall utterly.

Listening

It is turning into a season of listening. There is grace for it. Starting tomorrow I have to stop heading off to the next destination, realizing that when I am listening, I am on station until the listening is over. I am not going to judge the speaker, the content or the listener, the venue or the crowd. Just the waves of grace. Is this too selfish...to be about the listening, but to be about the grace to listen?

Father, I see a bit of what is up. I really want to listen, but more I want your supernatural ability to love with my ears. I want the ease of coming to rest in the assignment, free from the need to contribute, judge or coach. Free to feel you very near as you help me listen.

Simple

Simple things? Simply fewer things? Simple relationships? Avoid new complications?

At the end of the last work week, Daddy just said, "Simple." I am watching and listening to see how that works in His Kingdom here on earth. It is so easy to do, to do by my self, which means to complicate everything. Only operating in pure grace makes way for simplicity. Nothing needs to be a busy scramble.

It could be that "simple" is just another way to say "Shhhhh." Been hearing that one too. I know this. My efforts to do more or better are always noisier and more complicated.

Father, thank you for persisting with me, especially when I don't get it the first time. Don't give up on me. Especially after the price you paid to get me back home.

Norms and Variances From Them

We find safety or a sense of security in our routine, normative situation. Probably modal, really. In situation X, you can find me in position X with behavior X. The first and second time I was in situation X, I tried X and X and found them at least acceptable. As a result, I now have a fallback position for something that is likely to arise, so now I do not have to decide. I just go to default.

What if the best response to X now is Y? What if the worst response to X is X? Tough.

It reminds me of when I used to pre-plan conversations. Boy! did that ever work well.

There is room now to make decisions when they are needed. Why? Because you can not kill a dead man. Besides, the old canned answer started to get stale immediately.

The one element of NOW that really makes it work is the splendor and suspense of waiting on the Spirit for the answer. I do not know what He will say, but He is the sponsor of the outcome anyway. When I follow the Spirit, I am on the path. Vulnerable, and able to let God be God.

So I wait on the Lord. I listen for His leading. Naked (without my self-made shield).

Thank you, Father.

Bushed

That's what my Dad called it. Tuckered. Tarred is what they say here, to mean tired.

So much grace today. Not the favor I could probably ask for every day, but so much grace. Just marveling and marveling at the ease of functioning here.

The holes in my soul still take the energy out of me. Work circumstances were hard today in a way that involves my soul, particularly my emotions, more than it involves my mind working. When I was done, I was really ready to leave. I was not sleepy tired, but I wanted comfort food and "easy." Now that I am home with a full tummy, I want to sleep. It is probably reasonable, but it is clear that there are big booboos that need to be left under the balm. I miss the mark so much, yet each day is clearly closer to being on track and on target.

Really nothing to do but trust and lean and cling and rest. and listen and talk. This life is working like no other ever has. Glory to God. Glory to God. Glory to God.

Father, help the prayer wall people to know the truth of your love, the steadfastness of your love, the trustworthiness of your love, to be rooted and grounded in who You are, according to your word. Forgive my pride, some more.