Trust

Inadequate gratitude.  Yup.  Gotta be.

I find myself not trusting the goodness I see in my circumstances at the moment.  It is easy to manufacture a story that contradicts what I see.

My mind is too available to lies.  I am not busy enough recognizing grace and mercy, and expressing gratitude.  Ingrate!

I am not an ingrate.  I just do not have gratitude habits.  No.  I do not have adequate gratitude habits.

Enough analysis.

Daddy, thank you for loving me with the Blood of Jesus.  Thank you, Father for redeeming me from the mire.  Thank you finding me when I was not even looking for you.  Thank you for holding me while I struggle to prove you are faithless.  Thank  you for refusing to let me go back to my idols.

Thank you for flooding my life with things to be grateful for, so I can develop better and better habits of gratitude.

Thanks, Daddy.

Coffee

In America, for the last ten years or so, coffee is the Christian drug. It is the acceptable drug.

I was giving some thought to how I would describe myself. I was reading Jo's facebook info, and she went to some length, with carefully chosen words, to help her readers understand where she was coming from. I realized that I had not crafted the same high value description, and I was stirred to that kind of thought.

The next thing that came to the surface is that I would say that I am a recovering addict. (It just took me five tries to correctly spell recovering, only one for addict. Hmmm) And not coffee. I have not forsaken coffee. Every seed bearing tree, you know.

I am recovering from addiction to my self. I would not be recovering if I did not have this Holy Wild in which to wander, clinging to my King. Born, I said within moments, "I want." In response, I received. So I tried again, for something else for me. And I received. Later, when I expressed my desire and did not receive, I learned to satisfy myself. It is not all bad. It just defines our humanity, without God. A need or want is perceived. We do what we need to to get satisfaction.

And there is a great defining moment. Getting satisfaction. Being satisfied. So long as I need to get satisfaction, I am feeding my soul to balm the aching places. I am self medicating, self comforting, self sheltering, self embracing. Now being satisfied is the entire difference. Being satisfied means that I am transformed. Satisfied is who I am. My needs are met and the desires of my heart do not originate in my aching, broken soul.

The habits of self care run very deep. The old path is a rut worn so deep that there was no self rescue available. Rescue was available, but accepting it required at least a moment of forsaking my effort.

The habits of self care run very deep. I am recovering. Just like the twelve-steppers who will never say that they are recovered, I will agree. I fall into the rut every day. Sometimes I stay there, immediately finding my hands on their old worn out tools, sure for a while that I will be able to get satisfaction on my own. My shepherd stands there patiently, not even clearing His throat to remind me that I need Him.

Then I realize where I am and what I am trying to do...look up...and reach up.

Thank You, Lord. You are Faithful and True. You restore my soul. You make me satisfied.

Holding on for Dear Life

The wind has not been blowing today. The earth has not been rocking under my feet. Flood waters have not been rising. No one has called with bad news.

I am holding on for Dear Life. Life in the Holy Wild requires holding on for Dear Life. The circumstances of the moment and the day are not the triggers for holding on.

I am holding on for Dear Life because I have tasted and touched and smelled and heard and hugged Dear Life. I am holding on because the way was made for me on the cross not just to experience, but to be able and encouraged to hold on. From this place with my little hands deep in the folds of my Father's robe, the circumstances no longer tempt me to fear. No more do they draw me away from my Father's bosum. What my circumstances do now is to remind me of how loved I am. Because from where I sit, I can see where my Father has brought me from, what I was mired in that He has drawn me out of.

Thank you, Father, for circumstances that glorify you by reminding me of what you have done for me, and for everyone around me.