Not what I need

I can not get what I need here, but I can testify about having gotten what I need, here.

I wonder if my addiction to the approval of man will ever be gone or at least scarcely noticable on this side of death.

As long as I have the Spirit of God to show it to me, it will be noticeable if there.  As long as I have the Spirit of God, it will diminish.

Hi, my name is Dave.  I am a human attention addict.  Because my faith is small.
I will not always be addicted to the approval of man, because my faith is adequate.

The Hunger

There is an antidote for the hunger.  It is love.

But what if the hunger is so common that it is normal?  The hunger is for love in all of its forms.  The norm is to spend a whole human lifetime feeding the hunger with everything except love.

I realized eight days ago that there was a reason I was obsessing over an idea, a plan, a hope.  I hoped, for the millionth time that the idea, the plan, would result in satisfaction, with satiation.  But I have done this enough, lived this way enough to know that nothing I can plan or produce will satisfy.  I asked the Spirit for help and was advised to take every thought captive that exalts itself above the knowledge of God.

So first I recognize that I am pouring my life into, out for, an idol.  So I stop that, and repent.  Now I can grab the idol and run with it toward God.  and it slips away like smoke.  So while I am within the veil, I can fall down and be loved.  and like before, I wake up wondering what the attraction was.

Thanksgiving

as an alternative to Foreboding.

I am so addicted to controlling the lives of the people around me. Fortunately, today I have seen signs of deliverance. Today I only wanted to change what I could, instead of wanting to and doing it. So I have left myself open to pain. There can be only one explanation. I am okay, and I am going to be okay.

So the only thing to do at this point is to give thanks for the deliverance and healing. And give thinks for bright hope for tomorrow, blessings all mine and ten thousand beside. Great is Thy Faithfulness. Great is Thy Faithfulness. Morning by morning, new Mercies I see. All I have needed Thy Hand hath provided. Great is Thy Faithfulness, Lord, unto me.

Everyone involved is okay. And is going to be okay.

Daddy, why do I crawl off of Your lap? I am so happy that you welcome me back every time.

Satisfaction

This is Christmas Day. The thing I learned as a kid that Christmas meant was disappointment. I spent months anticipating specific Christmas gifts and not getting them. I was taught to lie in the face of disappointment. I was taught to look up from a newly unwrapped gift, look into the eyes of my Grandmother, and say, "Thank you," with a big smile.

I learned to buy my own toys. I learned that that was what money was for, and later that that was what credit cards were for. I learned that no one on this earth was able and /or willing to pay me enough attention and have the resources to buy me the toys I wanted.

When I started to buy satisfaction with credit cards, credit card interest was a tax deduction. That told me that my behavior was acceptable and desirable.

I only would stop buying new toys when I couldn't. And I was never satisfied.

I have not loved enough people enough to listen to them and find out if they are like me in that regard. I suspect, and will find out, that everyone is looking for the satisfaction of their soul. I have not listened, but have watched. What I have seen people do says that they are not satisfied.

Hardwired seeking for that which is missing. Simple. Taste and see that the Lord is good. He satisfies. This spiritual relationship meets every need. There are still places in my soul that ache for lack of satisfaction. That is not because He does not satisfy. It is only because I have failed to let Him.

Thank you, Father for Your complete provision. Put the lie to the Stones. Show them where to find satisfaction.

I'm Angry

and I do not want to be. Dad says to put away wrath. O.K.

Oh. I am tired. But does that just mean that the anger gets through? Maybe. And that means that the anger is there, just under. Not good. Not love. Especially if it wants to get all over somebody.

The stuff I am trying to do for my self is not working. (It is not able to.)

I am still addicted to my abilities. I am still proud of what I can do.

Daddy just waits. He is outside of time and can afford to let me find surrender again. God help me. I am afraid that I will give up on You and trust myself even when I know that I drop the ball every time. Be glorified in me. Father, be glorified in Your children.

Poetry

I am not a poet, but my Father is. I am not a song writer or a painter or a play-write. But my Father is. Last night I was surprised by poetry that came from my fingers, so surprised that I posted the line on facebook. It resonated with some friends and they said so.

There is so much in the depths of exploration, in insisting on clinging to the bosom of the King. I don't expect that my Father is making me a poet, but I am sure that His poetry is saturating me as I dream upon His breast. I hope for the day when it is the perfume of His Presence coming from me that brings someone home. And that day I will have been so near to the aroma for so very long that I will not smell it on me, and I will wonder what has drawn them.

One thing have I desired. One thing have I been granted. One thing have I rejoiced in and given thanks for.

Fall Back

It is so easy to switch to "human doing" from "human being." It is the default response. I am refusing today.

See, I should be able to fix my world, right? Wrong. What I can effect is the small stuff. The significant stuff I can not touch. That is really frustrating if my default is doing in response to recognizing a need.

I stepped out of my world this morning and went to a new place, and met some new people. And recognized an ache too big for me to touch. And now I ache for them. Which is what I was made for.

Now I get to crawl back up on my Fathers lap and tell him about what I saw, heard and felt. I am so grateful for my Fathers lap. Otherwise I would just ache, and have no place to go, no one to tell about them.

Their situation is no different than anyone else's. They need to find their way home to Dad, and to the rest that being home provides.

It hurts so bad to know that there is not enough of me, that I am not able to humanly demonstrate to them that there is rest. Pride is screaming because there is a need that I was built to recognize and not be able to do anything about. If I could effect it, it would not be worth effecting. This is the place to get to in learning to pray. Where the only thing I can do is admit my powerlessness and trust my Higher Power. To say, "Daddy, they hurt so much for lacking Your Rest. They scrabble and howl and reach in the rut. Please have mercy on them. Continue to show them your loving kindness. Continue to send your light into their darkness."

It is going to be so cool to see the whole picture. Thanks for making me part of it.

Coffee

In America, for the last ten years or so, coffee is the Christian drug. It is the acceptable drug.

I was giving some thought to how I would describe myself. I was reading Jo's facebook info, and she went to some length, with carefully chosen words, to help her readers understand where she was coming from. I realized that I had not crafted the same high value description, and I was stirred to that kind of thought.

The next thing that came to the surface is that I would say that I am a recovering addict. (It just took me five tries to correctly spell recovering, only one for addict. Hmmm) And not coffee. I have not forsaken coffee. Every seed bearing tree, you know.

I am recovering from addiction to my self. I would not be recovering if I did not have this Holy Wild in which to wander, clinging to my King. Born, I said within moments, "I want." In response, I received. So I tried again, for something else for me. And I received. Later, when I expressed my desire and did not receive, I learned to satisfy myself. It is not all bad. It just defines our humanity, without God. A need or want is perceived. We do what we need to to get satisfaction.

And there is a great defining moment. Getting satisfaction. Being satisfied. So long as I need to get satisfaction, I am feeding my soul to balm the aching places. I am self medicating, self comforting, self sheltering, self embracing. Now being satisfied is the entire difference. Being satisfied means that I am transformed. Satisfied is who I am. My needs are met and the desires of my heart do not originate in my aching, broken soul.

The habits of self care run very deep. The old path is a rut worn so deep that there was no self rescue available. Rescue was available, but accepting it required at least a moment of forsaking my effort.

The habits of self care run very deep. I am recovering. Just like the twelve-steppers who will never say that they are recovered, I will agree. I fall into the rut every day. Sometimes I stay there, immediately finding my hands on their old worn out tools, sure for a while that I will be able to get satisfaction on my own. My shepherd stands there patiently, not even clearing His throat to remind me that I need Him.

Then I realize where I am and what I am trying to do...look up...and reach up.

Thank You, Lord. You are Faithful and True. You restore my soul. You make me satisfied.