Good Grace

Some days are easier than others. Difference now is that the days are not easier because the circumstances are easier, but rather because I remember to stay in the embrace of grace, and let myself be carried through upon the everlasting arms of love. It is getting easier to love, as the habits of expecting to love, regardless of the response, are daily formed and reinforced. I expect days when, on my own, it would be much harder to love. But the supply of love is so infinitely large.

I am reminded of how much I could have used this in the past. But a big part of expecting to love now exists in me because I did not have it then. God, it was such a barren existence. The dryness of it made me thirsty for real living water.

The pleasure of the writing, now, is that the memory of my dry hard ground still hurts. And so it tells me that my soul is still in need of healing. Help me, Papa to forgive and heal. Help me to release the hurts. Make me more and more like Christ.

Constant

Boy wants me to be constant, in season and out. I need that from my Father as well. I suppose that as long as I am alive and near my son, there will be parts of what he needs to lean on God for, that he will still lean on me for. And I will ultimately fail him, no matter how godlike I try to be.

Maybe I can give my self over and be Christlike enough to at least point him to our Father in heaven. I do not mind my son looking to me for stability. And I guess I am hardwired to try to be stable. I know I have darned well been trained to be stable. That was the thing my Dad was best at.

Unfortunately, the stability that I was trained to provide is not the stability that is stable enough. My boy has to find his way to leaning on his Beloved. I do not want to fail, but ultimately that is what it takes.

Father, help me to be the father that my son needs. Thank you that I have found the Father and the Fathering that is my greatest need, in You. Thank you that you have made it so that I no longer walk like an orphan.