Tarred

Only one reason. Pride. If I trusted God instead of myself I wouldn't be so wrapped up trying to hold my world together. This existence is hard to maintain with the strength of one person. Especially one broken person.

And then I am trying to rescue everyone else, at least emotionally, at the same time. I can not even take care of myself, and here I go determined to keep the whole frackin' world happy.

As a consequence I have become a good enough liar that I am really beginning to fool somebody. Only problem is that the somebody is me. To everyone else I am just as bad a liar as they are. Some of them even know it.

Father, I sure hope that all of this means I am close to some sort of turning point. Or at least to get wiped off so I don't feel so scummy for a while. At least none of this fools you...or puts you off your love for me. Stinky, I get to lean back and listen to the unwavering beat of your heart. What a marvel is your loving kindness. It continues to draw me to you and away from my mess.

Thank you. And of course Bill reminded us that there is going to be a mess where anything real is going on.

Off to a good start

I started a new adventure this morning. I have asked a guide to lead me over an otherwise impassable pass.

You see, it is not impossible. I just need help. Not only do I need help, but I also need to get to the other side. And I also need to be changed in the process. I need the change more than I need the other side.

The Word says that He restores my soul. That is what is going on. There is a glorious, and God-glorifying way that my mind, will and emotions were meant to be, but are not. The closer they are to design, the more my King gets that glory that is his. I want that real bad. I ache to honor the one who rescued me. What wouldn't you do for your hero?

I will acknowledge and celebrate that other good things will result from the restoration of my soul, but the only thing that can matter first being shiny to shine on the one who ransomed me.

Father, for your glory, help me to attend faithfully to the effort of the guide you have placed in my path. I know that she is earnest and able.

Trust God

I do not trust my self. But I trust God. That makes the entire difference.

Still too noisy. Stillness, to sit and rest, is needed. I am okay. Just have to sit here and lean.

Got to stop doing and planning to do.

http://www.bethelministries.com/LONELINESS.htm

Weary

There is a tiredness the comes from doing well. You get to the end of the task or season, pause, and realize that you have been investing at an extraordinary rate. You feel the cost, and at the same time you feel the triumph of having been on purpose, on task.

There is a tiredness that comes from doing. You get to the end of the task or season, pause, and realize that you have been investing out of fear and pride. You become aware that your muscles are aquiver with fatigue because you always had to keep them tensed in anticipation of an attack you knew you were too weak or slow to ward off. You examine your breathing and know that you have been taking little sips in fear that the next time you try, there won't be any air. Your eyes are dry because you have not dared close them in fear of what you are sure is coming.

Pride has told you that you can take care of your self. Or that your self can take care of you. You tried it, utterly failed, and met the fear that would own you. The flavor of everyones fear is different, but the fundamentals are the same. You are the subject of that fear until you get rescued. And you have already learned that you are not able to rescue your self.

Time to open your hands. Time to unclench your toes. Time to close your eyes and leave them closed. Time to unhitch your diaphragm, and let your breath flow in and out of you.

Time to be willing to be rescued. Time to ask for supernatural help. Time to live listening with all the spirit you have alive in you, and refusing to act on your own foolish counsel. Time to ask to be covered with Love and granted the restoring rest and restoration that is yours.

Thank you for your faithful promises, Father.